Our Lost Baby

Over the last couple of years I have been reading a lot of blogs. No, make it 'A LOT OF BLOGS'. I am not sure where or when it started, but then one blog led to another and I now have my 'favourite' menu extended by a mile! Most of them are what they call 'Mommy Blogs' . Well, some of the call themselves Bloggers who are mommas. But the point I am trying to tell you is,

"I have been reading a lot of blogs on Moms and kids." Hm, I could have said that in the beginning...

Anyway.

So, as can be expected, my maternal instincts were slowly kindled. C and I started talking more about kids and life like that. So, despite our heavy workload and such like, we tried.. ahem.

In January this year, I conceived. What thrill, shock, and fear it was, that moment when I noticed that pink line on the pregnancy indicator stick! It was a Friday. C was away at work and I was home. I called him and told him straight- am pregnant! C was like - ah, super, really? how (??), when (haha) and a hundred different things.

Once he reached home, we (rather, I) did another of those checks and there it was! The pink line. I should mention that we were in the US at that time on some business visit. Well, C was on business and I took a long vacation and went with him (solely for the purpose I have been talking about).


Now, the US of A has a different type of medical system. I am not going into the details as I do not completely understand it yet. But suffice to say, it left us baffled. No doctors on weekends. No walk-in appointments like we have here. Heck, we couldn't even find a hospital that was functioning on a weekend! After scouring the internet and some frantic calls, we finally found a OBGYN. A male Indian doctor.

We visited him the following day and he did the internal and asked a few questions on how the spotting was (I had experienced some spotting and was scared to bits) and other stuff like that. He said he wanted some basic blood tests done to confirm the pregnancy. Fine. We got it done the same day and collected reports next week and the pregnancy was confirmed! I was like 4 weeks. After another week, we called parents and informed them. You all can again, imagine the thrill they would have felt.

Actually, sometime in June 2007, C and I underwent a regular health check up. Everything was fine, except that the Gynaec suspected me to be a PCOS candidate! I felt quite shattered. So, googled up PCOS and tried to learn what it meant. Was put on a medication. So, when I saw the pink line, you can very well imagine the state of my mind.

After another month's stay in the US, we returned back to India in March. The day after we landed, I fell ill. A temperature of 104 F for 2 days. Terrible cough and cold. Took 9 paracetamol tablets. The largest I have taken till date within a span of 3 days! Mom came over to help us. With the fever subsided, I resumed my work in office. Everything seemed normal. Did the ultra sound and saw Jr. with folded hands and tiny little legs. Played holi for the first time. C joined a guitar class. He wanted to be ready with songs to play for Jr. Ate such a feast everyday... Mom pampered me every bit. News was out to other relatives. I was 16 weeks when Mom headed back to Chennai.


At 4 in the afternoon, the next day, I had a very light spotting again. I don't know why, but I called the doctor immediately. She asked me to go to the hospital immediately. I was not very bothered and thought why is she scaring me! I called C and told him. He came home by 6 and we were in the hospital by 6.30. The resident doctor checked me and could see heavy bleeding. The specialist doctor was informed and they agreed to do an emergency ultra sound.


The radiologist and resident doctor saw something and then I heard the word 'Inevitable'! C and I were shattered. What's inevitable? What's happened? I don't feel any pain. I don't feel even a slight cramp. Nothing whatsoever. I refuse to believe them. I think they are unqualified and are making a mistake. I try to get up and am told to lie down. 'You have to get admitted. We will be wheeled into the room. Don't get up'. Things happened very fast after that. C was asked to sign forms, pay fees, get medicines, injections. I was asked to change clothes, injection was administered and was there lying on the bed, numb.


The doctor came in and checked me and gave us the news. 'Most of the sac is out'. What sac? Where is it? Why is it out? Can't you push it in? I don't feel any pain. I tell her a thousand things. Meanwhile C has informed my parents.

I was asked to lie down with my legs raised. C and I spent the night in the hospital. The first for us. I am administerd lot of medicines, IV's , injections. The next morning Mom cathces a flight and arrives by afternoon. Some more ultra sounds... same status. The sac is out they say. But the foetal heart beat... is fine...


3 days I am down with my legs raised. And the sac doesn't get in. The doctor asks us what we want to do. She says it would have been a miracle if the sac went in... but it just doesn't seem likely any more!

We didn't know what to do... and the doctor understood our silence and asked the support staff to begin the process. I was given numerous medicines again... to empty my bowel, to relax my uterus, to generally get the foetus out. So, on that fateful day, around 11.30 or so, am wheeled into the OT. All I remember is feeling the oxygen mask and after that I knocked out.

After about 2 hours or so (maybe an hour later), I woke up and saw that I was alone, in a corner... I call out and a nurse come along. I ask her if I have been operated. She says yes. I ask her what baby was it? 'Don't worry about it Ma'am' she says... I ask again and she says 'Boy'. I closed my eyes and tears rolled down on either side of my face. After another half hour or so, I was slowly taken back to the room... I see my mom and C.. Both of them have cried a lot. I could see. I was still reeling under the effect of anesthesia. When I close my eyes, Mom and C wept and when I opened my eyes they tried to comfort me... after spending that night in hospital, we return home the next day.

I won't elaborate much on what we did after that. Each tried to put on a strong exterior not show emotions but underneath each one of us were crying a thousand times! After about a week or so, C told me he had to actually sign a form...that basically asked for his authorization to dispose off the foetus! C and Mom had also seen the baby...

My heart aches to type this. But why am I doing this? For one, it is cathartic. And secondly, it is a pity that all the so called bible of pregnancy books do not mention about miscarriages and other complications adequately. So, I hope this account of mine will make other mothers-to-be cautious. I do not want to frighten them, but want them to be aware of things that can go wrong. We still do not know what caused my miscarriage. The doctor can only speculate. She said there are still so many 'unknowns' in pregnancy and in the field of medicine. Was it the 'metformin' that I took for PCOS? Was it the spotting in early stages? Was it the high fever with cough and cold? Was it because of some mild lifting that I did? What was it because of ....?

All that we can say is, if the pregnancy has to stay, it stays. And if the body decides it has to go, it goes.

It has been more than 5 months now and we still cry over the baby that could have been. It hits us at unexpected times. While we go for walks, while watching TV, while C is driving, or when we eat... it is just a numb feeling that grips us and makes us feel so weak. But what we went through and the baby has taught us a lot of things. Courage, Faith, Never-say-die attitude (the baby never for once lost the heartbeat...he was a fighter to the core!), Empathy, Endurance and so much more.

C and I fervently hope that we are blessed with another baby and get to lead a happy life with the child.